Rayman: Diary Of A Limbless Thingymajig
by xXBWFXx
Summary: Hi, I'm Rayman, and this is my journal of utter stupidity.
1. Introduce yourself, young Padawan

**12.00**

**My Room**

You know, if I had the faintest idea how to begin a diary, I'd get started. But I don't so...

Oh, wait, I've began it.

Ok, I might have to tell you something about myself. (I don't see why personally, 'cos it's a bit stupid to give your personal information to a diary-no, not because of identity fraud- and no-one else is going to be reading this are they? Are they...?)

But I'll continue.

My name is Rayman-yes, him, don't go fangirl-, I'm seventeen and a half (Well, nearly eighteen, but try telling Ly that-she doesn't want me to grow up), and I'm...well...

Let's just say my life is not normal.

For one thing, I'm bunnyphobic. That is an actual disease. It's the irrational fear of bunny rabbits. But not so irrational in my case, 'cos the rabbits I've met are just plain freaky. And mad. I had nightmares afterwards. (Strangely, they involved a leprechaun*, but never mind.)

(*A leprechaun is a mythological annoying thing. I'm not too sure how else to explain it, other then it sort of reminds me of Murfy.)

"Rayman?"

It's Murfy, resident annoying mutant frog-bluebottle thing. He also has a really annoying habit of peering over peoples shoulders to see what they're writing.

"No I don't!"

See what I mean?

"You called me a mutant frog!"

"Well, actually I called you a mutant frog-bluebottle thing." But he wasn't listening to me.

"If you have a right to call me a mutant frog-bluebottle thing, then I can just call you a limbless freak!"

"Stop it Murfy."

Another thing-I'm limbless. You know, Rayman, the Limbless superhero guy. Anyone who was going fangirl would know that already. (I do have hands and feet and a head, but they kind of float.)

"Yes, well..."

"Murfy, I don't think you see the hilariousness of this situation. I write "He has a habit of looking over people's shoulders" and you say No I Don't, implying you'd looked over my shoulder, which means you do."

"You are confusing."

"Murfy, when even your blood circulation baffles people, I think you've got to the point where you're confusing."

"My blood circulation doesn't baffle people."

I'll leave him alone. He doesn't understand metaphorics. What was I supposed to say? "One's blood circulation"?

Anyway, going downstairs. And I've just been glomped by Tily the Hyperactive Fairy.

"Hello Rayman."

Hello Tily, nice to see you can still break my ribs.

"Hi...Tily...urgh...get...off...me...please."

She lets go. Thank Pokolus.

"Tily, sorry to tell you, but I might have to go into Casualty. It's not your fault; you obviously had very rough parents."

"You might...?"

Is there such thing as sarcasm in this world, or was it erased while I wasn't looking?

Obviously not, 'cos I was sarcastic then.

"LY! I've injured Rayman, and he's gotta go into Casualty!"

For. Pokolus's. Sake.

"He looks fine to me."

Allow me to facepalm myself.

"What was that for?"

"Tily...have you ever heard of sarcasm?"

"Uh-huh...Why?"

"ARRGHH!" And I go upstairs.

Murfy is still in my room. Pervert. He's worse then that ringmaster guy I met when I was eleven and had a stupid accent.

"Why is your diary writing itself?"

"What?"

I knew I shouldn't have left it in the same room as my Lum collection.

(Hey, the blue ones have oxygen in them. You want me to suffocate in an emergency situation?)

"Maybe the temporal energy exuding from the Lums is grafting itself to the space-time quantum signature left by the diary and therefore temporal signals from when you write the diary in the future, which would be your present, are echoing through time, and appearing in the past, which is also the present." says Murfy.

...

"You watch too much Doctor Who."

"How does that work?"

"EXACTLY! HOW DOES YOUR THEORY WORK? I'M CONFUSED, Murfy, AND I'M GETTING A HEADACHE! IN ENGLISH PLEASE?"

"Basically, your diary's writing itself."

...

"Back to Square One then." And I go back downstairs.

(The amount of times I'm travelling on these stairs, I swear I'm going to be renowned as Rayman the world-saving yoyo.)

"Where are you going?"

"To talk to the babies."

"They can't talk!"

"So? They can't confuse me!"

Murfy looks confused and slightly miffed. Ha. I smile at him and set off.

Tily is showing the girl Baby Globoxes how to make a friendship bracelet. Aww.

"Hello Mister Sarcastic." She says upon seeing me.

Not so sweet then.

But then, Tily has a habit of going all weird on people. You wouldn't believe she's fourteen.

* * *

**_Please R&R. Or George the Rabbid will get you. :3_**


	2. My head is leaking, Oh joy

**12:30**

**The Living room.**

"Tily?"

"MMM?"

"All I was doing was getting my point across."

"I'm not listening."

Why do I even bother?

"Look, if you can just..."

"I'm not listening, there's no point."

"Right."

I take it back. Anyone would guess she's fourteen.

"You'd better be careful with those babies; they could choke on the string." I say -slightly bitterly, it has to be said- and stalk out of the room.

"Ray?"

It's Ly.

"Where are you going?"

"Ly, I've saved the world 3 or 4 times over, do I have to tell you every freaking move I make?"

And I slam the door and start walking.

**12:35**

**Walking to a random location**

Ok, maybe I shouldn't have said that. What difference does it make? I'm stuck in a house with a mutant bluebottle, a giant talking frog, the giant talking frog's girlfriend (Well wife actually), a stroppy teenager, 650 babies, and a fairy who I think I'm developing a crush on.

God no.

I HAVE A CRUSH ON LY?

Aaaannndddd now everyone is staring at me.

Oops. Did I say that out loud?

I'd better go home.

Oh wait, I can't or Ly will give me the Spanish Inquisition –or something like it. I'm nearly eighteen. I'm not a baby.

So where do I go then?

When I was eleven, I ran away from home. It was for reasons that will take an additional explanation to explain.

The rest? I got kidnapped, stuck in a circus, helped myself and others escape from the circus (to be precise, we cut a hole in the wall and fell out), Rigatoni (the circus owner) phoned some detective-inspector person called Archie (Archie Grubb in fact but ah technicalities) and told him we were criminals, menawhile I found myself in Aeropolis, fell through a roof into an unoccupied flat (we did a lot of falling then), and lived for three months as a fugitive and a "Criminal". Then Betina- one of the fugitives, and the only girl, not counting her little companion Flips- told me to go home.

It started with a conversation, actually. LacMac (another fugitive and Betina's boyfriend) and Cookie (yet another, the last one thankfully, and LacMac's OCD best friend) were...somewhere. I don't know. Anyway, they were somewhere, and me and Betina were talking about random things, and I'd mentioned my family. So the conversation sort of changed to Ly and Globox and the rest, and I mentioned that I lived with them.

She said, "Well how come you're here then?"

I said, "I ran away."

Then for some weird reason I started crying. _Crying_, of all bloody things.

So she sort of awkwardly patted my back (Betina was never one for comfort) and said "Why don't you go home then?"

I said "I don't want to."

She said, "You're eleven, Ray. You have a family. They'll be worried sick about you. Just go home."

So I did. The next day. It was only when I said my goodbyes and the door shut that I realised I didn't know the way. Which was probably something I shoulda mentioned sooner.

So I started walking. Any direction. And, by some wonderful but weird coincidence, I encountered Globox.

My ribs have never been the same since.

He insisted in chaperoning me home (did he think I'd run away again?), even going as far as to HOLD MY FREAKING HAND, and soon enough we made it home. (I was actually pretty thankful for the chaperoning, considering I didn't know the way home, but eh whatever.)

Anyway, we went home and Ly was in the garden.

So she did the most hypocritical thing since hypocrisy was invented.

She saw me, and she stared at me. Then she slapped me round the face and pulled me in to a hug.

Hypocritical? I think so.

It really hurt too - and I'm not just talking about the slap here. She probably crippled my already injured ribs with another too-tight hug. (The first was from Globox.)

Even so, it took her a long time to get me to stop clinging to her.

When she finally did, she sat me next to her in the living room, and said, "Tell me exactly what you've been doing all this time. Where were you Ray? I was worried."

I said, "Betina was right then."

She said, "Who in the name of Pokolus's pyjama trousers is Betina?"

So I told her everything. From the moment I ran away to the moment Betina told me to go home. And for some reason, she found it all so horribly hilarious.

So I was in the middle of explaining the bit where Cookie got committed (don't ask) and she just laughed her ass off. So I said "It's not meant to be funny. The poor guy was scared."

She said "But the way you explain it was just so funny."

Fair enough.

Now, diary, you probably want to know why I ran away in the first place. Well, to explain I need to tell you about my mom.

My mom was..IS called...Betilla. (Yes, I know it sounds like Betina, I don't give a damn to be honest)

She was fairly good as moms go, took my to the park, bought me candy, stuff like that. My dad I didn't meet til I was about 6, and even then I was saving the world from him, but that's another story that I think you know.

So anyway, my mom knew Ly's parents, and I got to know her. Ly I mean. And when Ly moved out of her house at fifteen (I was about 7 at the time) I got invited around a lot. So then I met Globox and Uglette, And it went from there. So then four years later I turned eleven and due to these circumstances that are still a mystery, six years later, I had to spend the year with Globox and Uglette. (Ly's cottage was undergoing DIY repairs so she had to stay as well) So then...well, I was barely eleven, lost, confused, I got the impression my mother didn't want me...so I ran away.

There.

So then, wait it gets better, one year later, Razorbeard (Rigatoni's like apprentice type robot person) came back, invaded, killed (yes killed) Rigatoni, then went around killing a lot of other people. Including Betil-

NO. NO NO NO NO. She's not dead.

She isn't!

She-

She just isn't, okay? We don't know for sure, so why take assumptions?

Anyway, so then I had to stop Razorbeard, I met Murfy, he moved in (along with Ly's cousin Tily-yes, that Tily) and...yeah.

So here I am. It turned out Ly's cottage was unliveable in so she stayed with us. And even when it became liveable in she stayed anyway.

So yeah. That's the story of my life.

So yeah.

...Hang on.

Where...?

Oh god. Somewhere during my trip down Memory Road I ended up somewhere else in fact.

Aeropolis.

I dither for a moment. Maybe...?

No. Wait. I can't. They probably wouldn't recognise me. Besides, LacMac and Betina are probably married by now. With a daughter. A baby daughter. Called Gemima. Yeah.

I wouldn't want to intrude on their babysitting.

Not to mention all the scary police cars whizzing round and I know that if Grubb is in one of them, knowing my luck, he WILL recognise me and I'll be arrested and banged up.

So I run. Away. Again.

To my surprise it seems that none of them are following me. Hmm. Must just be my paranoia.

I carry on running anyway. You can never be too sure.

To my surprise, I find myself speeding up.

Big mistake.

I trip.

I fall...

...?

* * *

"Ray? RAYMAN!"

I open my eyes. Ow, my head hurts.

"Ray?"

It's Ly. I didn't know she could get her voice that high.

"Oh Ray..."

She pulls me in to her arms and stands up.

Normally I'd say that was the trouble with being three foot tall.

But not now.

"Why did you run off like that?"

"I just needed to clear my head."

She sighs, gently runs her hands through my hair...and freezes.

I get a sensation of pain and wetness. Darn it.

"I think you've cleared your head of more than thought." She says slowly, and bolts.

Right.

That means what exactly?

Does she mean I'm bleeding?

God I'm stupid, of course that's what she meant.

I'm not really aware of what's happening, but I soon realise we're home and she's bandaging my head.

"Owch."

"Stop complaining."

With that, she carries me to my room.

"Just go to sleep, 'kay?"

How could I refuse?

I burrow my head in the pillow, and almost immediately fall asleep.


	3. Cuddles and Coffee Highs

* * *

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

OWWW.

God, my head is killing me. Ow.

It's almost not worth being awake. Ow.

(Did I just say that...? Help! I'm turning into Cookie!)

When I finally open my eyes, I notice Murphy and Ly are sitting on the edge of my bed.

"You look so cute when you've just woken up." says Ly.

Help. Do I?

"And about six." adds Murphy.

Help. This is bad. Right, that's it, I will never sleep again.

Which could pose a problem.

"Mpphh?" I say sleepily. What I meant to say is, "Is there some kind of surgery that reduces cuteness? 'Cus if there is I need it."

"What kind of word is Mpphh?" asks Murphy.

"Whatever, Mr. I'm-obviously-so-articulate."

Hooray! I managed to say something that makes sense!

To me anyway.

It probably doesn't make much sense to Murphy, 'cus he just says "Shut up."

So anyway...

"Try and go back to sleep, ok?" says Ly.

Fine. Ok.

It probably doesn't matter that I've only just woken up, but hey.

I close my eyes again, but I don't feel tired enough. Damn. Now what do I do?

Obviously Ly's going to try the "Squeeze me to death and I might drop off" method, 'cus she pulls me on to her lap and starts hugging me. I soon lose the ability to breath.

"LY-gphhh!"

"Yes?"

"Stop treating me like a one-year-old and give my blood circulation a chance will you?"

She doesn't listen. I could swear she starts hugging me tighter.

"Ly?"

"Shhh."

With that she starts rocking me sideways. Hmm. That actually feels quite nice...

* * *

Huh?

Oh my Pokolus, did I fall asleep?

Well I did get quite tired.

It's now I realise Ly is still holding on to me. Did she fall asleep too?

"Ray? Are you awake?"

Evidently not.

Evidently she didn't fall asleep that is. I am awake....

Oh shut up brain. You are _confusing._ And my head is hurting enough without adding confusion to the mix.

Ok. While I'm still sane (which might end soon), I'd better try to give my life a summary.

Ok.

_Seventeen-and-a-half-year old boy, suffers from confusion and over-exposure to hyperactivity at times, and has saved the world on six previous occasions at the ages of 6, 12, 13, 15, 16 and a half, and 17 and 10 days._

Yes, that is a six. You read right.

Well, I didn't really save the world at 13, I just saved myself, Cookie, Betina, Flips and another fugitive named Lac-Mac. Nice guy, but had (or still has) a really annoying thing where he could only refer to himself in the third person.

Nice guy though.

"I'll take that as a no."

Oh. Must've forgotten about Ly for a second.

"Actually..."

"Oh hi Rayman."

...

Wha?

She's been holding on to me for the past Pokolus knows how long, and she says hi?

You do know what I mean right?

"Konnichiwa."

(That's Japanese by the way. Just so you know, Japan is on Earth.)

"So, slept well?"

"MmmHmm. Well, apart from the fact my head was hurting quite a bit."

"Meh, I thought it would. So, how'd it happen?"

"I tripped."

"You must've been running pret-ty fast."

"I was."

"Ah. Ok."

"Anyway, I'm going to get a shower." I slide off Ly's lap and walk towards the door.

"Ok."

**13:45**

**In the shower**

Meh.

That is all I will say.

Because my diary is writing itself, it means anyone *cough*Murfy*cough* will be able to access my thoughts.

I.E: what is going on in my head.

I.E: Oh noes.

I don't quite know what I will do about my bandages but I think they are waterproof.

**13:50**

Damn! The bandages came off.

**13:50 and five seconds**

Not so waterproof after all then.

**13:50 and _twenty_ five seconds**

Owww ow ow ow! I've got water in the cut on my head! That is it, I am not washing my hair...Ow Ow OW!!!!!

**13:55**

Damn that still hurts.

_Dunk._

Someone is knocking the door. Brilliant. Do I get any peace round here?

"Rayman!"

Ly? What does she want?

"It's okay, I won't come in. I've just found out- the bandages are not waterproof!"

"I know!- Ow!"

""Ray? Are you alright?"

"Just got some water in the cut, I'll be fine."

It makes me wonder something, actually. What is the point of asking if someone's alright when they say Ow, implying they aren't. Unless Ow is "Do you have any coffee" or something in another language, which is odd, as I don't normally drink coffee in the shower.

**13: 57**

Mind you, it would stop you from falling asleep.

**13: 57 and eight seconds**

Apparently I used to fall asleep in the bath all the time when I was about two.

** 13: 57 and _twelve _seconds**

I wonder what would happen if I fell asleep now?

**13:58**

The house would flood.

**13:58 and ten seconds**

And Ly and Murfy would wonder what the hell was happening and enter the bathroom.

**13:58 and a half**

And find me alseep.

**13:58 and 32 seconds (God this minute is lasting a long time)**

Not to mention naked.

OhMyGod!!! I need to start drinking coffee.

**14: 10**

**In the kitchen examining the coffee pot**

I should be alright. Ly has taken Tily grocery shopping (BAD IDEA), Uglette is somewhere with the 325 girl baby Globoxes, Globox is somewhere with the 325 _boy_ baby globoxes, and Murfy is Murfying around doing whatever it is annoying talking greenbottles do I.E I don't know.

Right. Just need to figure out how many spponfuls I need. I don't want to be crazy for the rest of the day.

**14: 15**

Right. Now I just need to add hot water and drink. Preferably in that order.

**14: 16**

I think I'm done. Now, I just need to drink it.

OhMyGod!!!! This is absoloutly disgusting! But it's better then randomly falling asleep I guess...

Now I just need to work out what to say to Ly about some of the coffee being missing...


	4. The Boy with the Technicolour Temper

**14:20**

**Still in the kitchen**

Currently retching and convulsing. Yes it's that disgusting. But like I said, it's better than falling asleep. I don't want a destroyed house thanks very much. Although, if Tily doesn't change her ways quickly we'll get one either way.

Seriously, how much sugar does that girl _have? _I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't get through about 10 packets per day.

Anyway, as I was saying.

"What...are you doing?"

Apparently Murfying around has gotten boring cus Murfy is fluttering at the kitchen door.

I gesture at the cup. "What does it look like?"

Murfy sniffs in his know-it-all way. "You're not supposed to give under-eighteens caffeine."

"One, that's a complete lie. Look at Tily. And two, I'm seventeen, which is close enough. Seventeen AND A HALF. So stop bothering me. I'm not a child."

"Actually, in the eyes of the law, you are a child."

"Murfy, in the eyes of the law, I'm a freaking wanted criminal fugitive! Leave me alone!"

And with that I storm upstairs.

**14:30**

**In my room**

**Still fuming**

Still a child. Honestly. How old does he think I am?! Six?!

Like it would matter. When I was six I was saving the Polokus-forsaken world. Like I said, leave me alone.

Anyway, Ly's just come back from the shop and Tily is talking to her about some random thing. Some random Tily thing. Yeah.

Ly seems to be in a good mood (surprisingly, considering she's just taken Tily into a confined space) judging by her tone of voice.

"So, where's Rayman?"

"Upstairs. I gave him health advice and he yelled at me."

Way to twist things round, Murf.

"What did you say?"

"Well, he was drinking coffee and I told him you shouldn't give caffeine to under-eighteens."

Ly drops something.

"Coffee?"

"Yes...."

"Do you know what that does to his species?"

"Actually no."

Neither do I. Why am I the last to knowEVERYTHING?!

"It causes hyperactivity, drowsiness, mood swings...basically you name it."

No, _basically _It's Tily at certain points in the month.

…

Wait what?

I have a question; why the heck did I not know this? Why do people deliberately not tell me things? Why do I talk to myself?

Anyway, sadly, I will probably never know the answer to these questions, because A: Nobody ever tells my anything, and B: If I have to put up with anything else Murfy has to say I may as well commit suicide.

Mind you, that would mean a run-in with Great Aunt Tesi and nobody wants that.

**14:45**

**Rubbing my ears**

Oh help, Tily's in her room and listening to her CD player. Unfortunately she's playing some trashy boy band who are apparently all dating "The girl with the technicolour soul". At the same time. At the risk of sounding like Murfy, Tily's lifestyle really isn't setting a good example for her.

A lot of the lyrics are just plain disturbing, mind you. Seriously, the technicolour soul girl must really be into perverts who can't sing.

Whatever.

…

Oh My God. Really, should she be listening to that?

Maybe I should warn her.

On the other hand, Murfy will probably do that anyway so. I won't bother.

I'll just sit here rubbing my poor abused ears and think depressing thoughts that could only stem from a limbless's over-exposure to coffee.


	5. The Mood Swings Are Eating My Brain

**15:20**

**Still in my bedroom, still depressed.**

Tily, it seems, has moved on to more stupider music. My ears are screaming at me. Which is a very odd feeling. I can't hear anything over the screaming because my ears are screaming and it's my ears that I hear with and they can't hear themselves over the screaming...

...If that made ANY sense at all. I highly doubt that it did.

Knock knock.

Honestly. Can't a teenager mope in peace?

"Rayman?"

Oh look, it's Ly, I.E: my own personal stalker, and maybe potential girlfriend. Shut up brain. I didn't ask your opinion.

"Are you okay now?"

"What do you think?" It comes out harsher than I expected, and she flinches. Oh great.

"Sorry."

She smiles, before offering me a bottle. "Here. This'll help with the PMT."

I decide not to notice the last bit and take it, looking at it. A sort of greeny blue, nothing unusual.

I uncork it and down it.

HBHXHXBXHXXXXXUUUHHHHHH!

"YUCK!"

She laughs. "I knew you wouldn't like it."

"Ly, that is an understatement. It tastes like...old socks. Worn by a hobo. A paedophilic stalker hobo. For three months."

Ly looks at me all confused. "And you know what that tastes like...how?"

...

"Shut up, Ly, I'm not supposed to make any sense."

She laughs again, and ruffles my hair. Damn it, that laugh is so sexy...RAYMAN! You weren't supposed to think that!

Dammitdammitdammit I HATE YOU HORMONES.

"You want to come on out? I'm taking Tily to the park."

I shrug. "Why not?" I don't think it can do any harm.

At least, I hope it can't. On the other hand, Tily could make a sponge dangerous.

...Well actually that's not really that difficult is it? Maybe it was a...ninja sponge or something. That would be pretty dangerous. You could just be minding your own business and showering and washing your hair (if you have hair) and then your sponge would suddenly whip out a sword and stab you.

So really, ninja sponges could be rather effective weapons.

...Wait.

...How did we get from hormones to ninja sponges again?

**15:35**

**In the playground with Ly and Tily (to be precise, on the swings)**

Hmm.

Despite the fact that I am bordering on eighteen I.E: adulthood and thus am full of maturiosity...

...This is actually quite fun.

Wheee. I can go really high.

Tily, meanwhile, is on a weird zipline thing. Basically there's this weird stick hanging down from the line, with another stick you're supposed to sit on, and you get onto this weird stick and then you push off from the little platform and you rush down the zipline thing. Bizarre, but fun.

Not that I've ever tried it, obviously.

Being mature as I am.

Ahem.

Oh what the hell. I had three goes. Tily's on her fifth.

Ly's just sitting on this bench thing not joining in. She's sort of aggravating me actually.

I launch myself off the swing and go over to her.

"Why are you not doing anything?"

"Because..."

I don't give her a chance to finish.

I pull on her arm and drag her to the swings.

"Get off." But she's laughing. She doesn't mind.

She sits down on the swing and just...looks at me. "I'm joining in. Are you happy now?"

"Fairly content, yes."

She pokes me. " Aren't you joining too?"

"There's only one swing."

Well there is another but it's cracked. And besides, it's pink.

Ly just shrugs...and pulls me onto her lap again.

I can feel my face heating up.

...Along with the rest of me. Oh hell noooo.

My face is buried into her shoulder and she's shoving me, trying to turn me around. Which means a lot of shuffling around on her lap.

...There are no words to express my discomfort. I shall have to use smilies.

!

D: D: D: D: D:

;

okayit'sdone

I lean back against her (omg squishy) and she wraps her arms around my body and smiles at me.

I, meanwhile, am a hysterically giggling heap. You wouldn't think it judging how moody I was previously, but I guess the coffe wore off.

Either that or the potion got working.

She starts swinging. I'm still giggling.

I _love _life, I do.


End file.
